In response to the on being stuck, feeling fear, and not giving in to depression post on Scoutie Girl today, I was inspired to move forward in telling my personal story . . .
For almost the entirety of my life, there is one thing I’ve ultimately wanted to be: invisible. No, I’m not talking about some super power that would allow me to spy on whomever or whatever I wished. I mean I didn’t want to be on anyone’s radar. At all. I wished to be left completely alone by everyone close to me, only making contact with those whom I wanted to be in contact with on my own terms.
That sounds odd, doesn’t it? It’s not, really. Why?
A long, private story made short, to this day I learned to be ruled by fear. I’ve experienced a lot of pretty scary stuff, and 99% of that was not that apparent to everyone else in the world. Its permanent effects did shape how I formed relationships (or didn’t), interacted with peers, and viewed rest of the world at large. I learned not to trust people, even to ask for help, and that I would never measure up to anyone’s expectations. Ever. From my perspective, being invisible meant that I wouldn’t be a blip on anyone’s radar. If you couldn’t see me, I couldn’t distrust or disappoint.
Never-ending parade of racing thoughts in my head, overwhelming frustration, anger, sadness, confusion, and some bouts of paranoia. All those feelings of fear and inadequacy began surfacing in my early adulthood, manifesting itself in four forms: post traumatic stress disorder, major depressive disorder – recurring, generalized anxiety disorder, and social phobia. Those were my official diagnoses as determined by a psychologist and a psychiatrist just last summer. That’s quite a soup of mental health issues, and it doesn’t really taste that good.
But, I have three things going for me. Insurmountable determination, a creative outlet, and a very supportive husband. Determination and creativity are my weapons against inadequacy. Creativity gives me an expressive outlet that I’ve not been able to explore with spoken words. Determination is fueled by a deep-down sense that there is light at the end of the tunnel. It’s my husband who walks beside me as I journey through the darkest parts of the tunnel.
Medication and therapy help, but I only because I chose wellness. To 99% of the rest of the world, the changes I feel are invisible to them. To me and my husband, my recovery is going 100% okay.