Invisible PRINT by JenniPenni
In response to the on being stuck, feeling fear, and not giving in to depression post on Scoutie Girl today, I was inspired to move forward in telling my personal story . . .
For almost the entirety of my life, there is one thing I’ve ultimately wanted to be: invisible. No, I’m not talking about some super power that would allow me to spy on whomever or whatever I wished. I mean I didn’t want to be on anyone’s radar. At all. I wished to be left completely alone by everyone close to me, only making contact with those whom I wanted to be in contact with on my own terms.
That sounds odd, doesn’t it? It’s not, really. Why?
A long, private story made short, to this day I learned to be ruled by fear. I’ve experienced a lot of pretty scary stuff, and 99% of that was not that apparent to everyone else in the world. Its permanent effects did shape how I formed relationships (or didn’t), interacted with peers, and viewed rest of the world at large. I learned not to trust people, even to ask for help, and that I would never measure up to anyone’s expectations. Ever. From my perspective, being invisible meant that I wouldn’t be a blip on anyone’s radar. If you couldn’t see me, I couldn’t distrust or disappoint.
Never-ending parade of racing thoughts in my head, overwhelming frustration, anger, sadness, confusion, and some bouts of paranoia. All those feelings of fear and inadequacy began surfacing in my early adulthood, manifesting itself in four forms: post traumatic stress disorder, major depressive disorder – recurring, generalized anxiety disorder, and social phobia. Those were my official diagnoses as determined by a psychologist and a psychiatrist just last summer. That’s quite a soup of mental health issues, and it doesn’t really taste that good.
But, I have three things going for me. Insurmountable determination, a creative outlet, and a very supportive husband. Determination and creativity are my weapons against inadequacy. Creativity gives me an expressive outlet that I’ve not been able to explore with spoken words. Determination is fueled by a deep-down sense that there is light at the end of the tunnel. It’s my husband who walks beside me as I journey through the darkest parts of the tunnel.
Medication and therapy help, but I only because I chose wellness. To 99% of the rest of the world, the changes I feel are invisible to them. To me and my husband, my recovery is going 100% okay.
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Jennifer Schroll. Jennifer Schroll said: I Simply Said It: Making My Invisible Sunshine: A War Against Mental Illness http://bit.ly/dcgXKq #blog #simplysaid [...]
jen, i know that telling your story is only going to inspire other women to overcome these same obstacles. thanks for sharing! you are brave and inspiring!
You know, Wendy, I have to admit that when I clicked the ‘Publish’ button, the two thoughts going through my mind were “Who’s going to read this?” and “How will people respond?”. I hope that by sharing even this little bit that someone who is suffering will reach out for the help they need.
Thanks for stopping by!
Jen
thanks for sharing this! I love what you said, “only because I choose wellness,” this is very true to me
It is very true, but like a lot of difficult life circumstances, it truly is a choice one can make. It’s not an easy decision by any means, especially when you feel so helpless. I still have a long way to go, but I’m doing so much better already. Just imagine what we could accomplish if we took on every difficult circumstance with bravado.
Thanks for dropping by!
Jen
You have come a long way in taking back control of your life, and enjoying being with a family that loves you and cares about you. Coming out like you have is very brave and I hope it not only helps you, but helps others too. The dogs and I love and respect you and your happiness and well being means the world to us.
Awwww, thanks sweetie!
I tell people all the time that my husband is the best and now I can prove it!
bravo for choosing wellness. I can relate to some of those sentiments. There really is NOTHING more therapeutic than creativity.
Hi Amy,
Your comment about therapuetic creativity reminded me of the paintings I produced in my twenties when everything started coming apart. What I produced then compared to what I make now is a lot different. Perhaps I should take some photos for a future post?
Thanks for commenting!
Jen
I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve been struggling for so long, but I’m also happy to know that you’re working on creating a happier and better life for yourself. xx
You are a brave girl for telling your story….I applaud you and Scoutie Girl for speaking out about this. I realize that there are many of us out there and know now that I am not alone. A big ‘atta boy’ to your hubby.
Thank you for sharing…Karen
Thanks for sharing your story Jen. I have suffered with PD since I was 4 years old. Some year were better than others but I have lived a lot of my life in fear as well so I can understand a lot of what you are going through. I run a Panic attack support group on Yahoo. If you would ever like to join us there let me know. I have found that it really helps to talk to others that suffer with these things because they can really understand what we go through. I am glad to hear your hubby has been so supportive. I would not be where I am today without the support of my family especially my mom. My art has been a great form of therapy for me too! I hope things continue to go well for you.
@Monica: Thank you for the encouragement. I hope my message will help others in their own struggles as well.
@Karen: The more people that speak out, the more the stigma lessens. And I won’t lie – my husband really is awesome.
@ Terri: I can’t even begin to wrap my head around being 4 with PD, and then living your whole life with it? I often wonder how long people suffer with a condition before they realize that it’s not “all in one’s head”. (please excuse the unintended bad pun) I think a case like yours underscores the need for more vigilance about mental health care, especially for children. Thanks for stopping in and sharing!
What love can heal is beyond words! So glad you have your husband by your side.
You’ve made a beautiful, sincere post which will not only help you but also others.
Take your time to heal! I wish you well!
thank you for sharing your story, jen. so many of us have been affected, but you have had a particularly challenging road. you are an inspiration, and i wish you continued strength and healing.
[...] the ongoing ups and downs I battle, I’m finding little things that feed into my soul. Our ornery little basset/beagle mix, Ally, [...]